Do you get these letters offering a portion of some fantastic sum if you’ll only begin a correspondence with the author? They’re typically from Nigeria, which is too bad, as I have been to Nigeria and met some very lovely people. Even painting some of them. The letters are often long and full of some story of hardship or intrigue, sometimes even pulling at “spiritual” cords. There’s usually a patent over-trying for “correctness,” and “officiality.” Misspelling and infelicities of grammar also add a certain flavor. The e-mail I’m proposing to respond to here was uniquely short, however, and more precise than most. It’s me that’s longish (please forgive me and I do beg your indulgence, etc., etc.).
I haven’t quite decided to push the “send” key yet. Perhaps you’ll have some comment, advice, or additional information I should supply. Feel free to offer it at the bottom. (I will be most grateful.)
On Jan 28, 2012, at 5:58 AM, MR Ernest Brooke wrote:
Good day,
I am contacting you once again, regarding a substantial amount of inheritance funds (approximately $287,000,000) belonging to my late client whom you share the same last name with and I was wondering if you are related to him. Will forward more information to you in this regards, in the interim, kindly forward to my email below the following information so I can give you more information about the astate:
Full names:
Physical Address:
Telephone numbers:
Regards,
Ernest Brooks
Lagos, Nigeria
PS If you are not any the person to whom our late client is related, please do not respond to this letter or tell anyone else about it as there are a lot of scams out there. I say this for your portection.
HERE’S MY DRAFT RESPONSE:
Dear Mr. Ernest Brooks,
First of all, I want to thank you for your kind remembrance of me, though (and for this I apologize) I’m afraid I don’t recall your first writing. That, however, makes me all the more grateful…that you have not lost interest even though I have not been responsive…but you have now, in your kindness, initiated this second writing, if indeed it is (a second writing), which I believe, because you have said so, and I’m sure you are a person of integrity or you would not have taken the time and effort to contact me.
Besides, you have warned me about scams. That makes me know that you are not a perpetrator of such, or you wouldn’t have brought it up. (And thank you for that warning, too, as sometimes it’s hard to know.)
(Most times, in fact.)
(Well, at least a lot of times.)
I’m grateful, too, for the brevity of your letter, and as one that does not over-promise because I may not be the correctly named possible relative of your diseased client. I would not want to get my hopes up for a life of riches and ease, nor to get your hopes up for same after I supply all the information you’ll be shortly asking for.
I am curious about one thing, however, and that is, since your late client had the same name as me, how is it that I’m to supply my name? It seems you would already know it.
But these things are trifles between trusting friends.
Perhaps, though, before I offer my name, and this is just to keep us from confusion and to save time and multiple e-mail exchanges for the sake of veracity (as you must be very busy, sending e-mails all over the English speaking world like this in your thorough and honest investigation) perhaps . . . as I say . . . you could reveal to me the name of your late client. Then I’ll be able to tell you if it matches my name.
The truth is, I’m quite sure already that we are indeed related. And I think you’re confident of this, too.
For that, after you’ve supplied the name in question, I will be most happy to supply all the information you may be lacking for the sake of the honest and efficient transaction.
I know you don’t take me for a naive person. So, as I am not naive and would like to save us both time on this, I will supply, in response to your affirmation of the deseast, dis-east, dead man’s name, any and all information you will be needing. Please let me know if you need anything besides the following:
Bank name, account and routing number
Any pin numbers
Passwords
Social Security numbers
Passport numbers
Safety deposit box combination
Bank balance
Investment balance
Any property owned
Referrals for any other rich same-named relatives of the desteest, deathened, devestated, the dear poor man
Referrals for any rich friends who might have the same name as the deadened, depraved, (the same man) once that name is known.
With this, I sign off,
with all gratitude, again for your thinking of me and your faith in me that I will have faith in you which I realize is beyond question so I won’t (question it).
Since truly we are like brothers already.
Most sincerely,
With a handshake,
Until I hear back,
And with apologies again for not responding after your first writing
(which I didn’t get),
Good bye for now.
[name withheld until verification of name of the dissisted, mouldered, moneyed, dead client]
PS Just curious; did your client really die of tardiness?
____________________________
Currently writing from Toledo, Oregon.
Anyone interested in a few paintings I did after being in Nigeria about a decade back, click here, and here, and here, and here.
The stamps kept from correspondence in the days before e-mail.
Next: Light is Sweet. Coming Thursday.
Our Lives Together
Its About Life
12:15 pm
LOL!!!!!
Great response. Please send it for me and everyone else who receives such scam letters. I deleted three just in the last few days!
Anyways, well done.
Carmen
12:19 pm
This one has me grinning. (And also because you are writing from Oregon, now.) It seems to me that there is certainly no harm in pressing the send button, but is there any good in it?
12:41 pm
Look what this Oregon retreat has done to you, dear Hyatt! I LOVE the response! I’m laughing so hard it hurts, as I imagine that poor fellow (God love him) sorting out the information then, sadly, coming to a dead end (NPI).
12:41 pm
Love it! Be sure to require a “Open” response & the “Read” response from the recipient… as if they would really read it ;o). Too bad there sin;t a way to actually make them READ IT!!!
12:45 pm
Perfect!
12:52 pm
Dear Hyatt….hit the “delete” button from the Most High Mr. Ernest Brooks’ message and the “send” button for the message you have taken time and energy to compose. Why bother with such nonsense and a complete waste of time?
My advice is to completely ignore such foolishness now and forever; do not respond or waste any more of your valuable time; get doing the things you do best: writing, painting, inspiring others, and loving God and your family.
1:27 pm
Hi Hyatt and all those who receive these idiotic emails.
First, whether or not you realize it…sometimes the senders have your IPS. That is the actual computer id number to whom they have sent their stupid pleas.
I have often joked with my friends while talking with them, saying …that they no longer have to worry about me…I just received and email from Nigeria stating that I will soon be receiving 5 million dollars etc etc just as soon as I send them the information requested…etc…
But Hyatt and all others who read this…do not EVER reply with any response at all. I don’t care if you want to slam them or tell them they should learn to spell, or get a job or share your faith…or anything at all….The only ACTION to take is to delete and go into spam and block it. Why because if they wish to and have often done so on occassions to friends who emailed back angerly..they can and do send a virus into your computer. So just delete, period. That is my advise.
1:56 pm
You CAN give up your day job. A stand up career is yours for the taking. I don’t usually laugh out loud, but this one has me going
2:07 pm
You are such a wordsmyth, wordsmith, wordsmooth, WHATEVER THE WORD IS. Have fun. It sounds as though you have way too much time on your hands to be so clever.
2:07 pm
Yes, I enjoyed a hearty chuckle, too. But I agree with Ron Turner: don’t send anything back to these charlatans.
2:17 pm
Hyatt, I would try and Ignore these types of messages…I understand you wanting to respond, but they won’t really care. it’s too bad…
2:51 pm
I love your reply to that nuthatch – but I would never give them the satisfaction of letting them know I actually read their nonsense! Who knows what is attached to it that could infect your computer. I do not open them except accidentally and quickly spam it and hope no bedbugs hitched a ride on it!
So I would say – NO, do not send it.
Keep up the fun blog!
3:02 pm
I guess Hyatt I would ask yourself what it is you are wanting to create by sending this letter? What is your motivation, what is prompting you to respond as such? Are you authentically wanting to create a bridge? Are you wanting to be clever? What? Thank you for sharing yourself and being vulnerable to responses whatever they are. I am interested in your response. Warmly, Pam
5:19 pm
…too bad that Mr. Brook probably wouldn’t be able to appreciate such fine piece of writing.
One the other hand, would you write a script for us for our dear telemarketer friends?
8:20 pm
Oh Hyatt! You got more than one laugh-out-loud from me! What a crafty response! And I do mean very original, witty and with the best dry humor. I have to agree with one responder that I doubt the recipient would be able to appreciate your finesse.
I Google’d “Nigerian money scam” and found this article, written by a guy who did just what you are suggesting. It’s a short (and entertaining) article of which I include the URL here: http://www.silicon.com/special-features/the-spam-report/2003/02/18/nigerian-money-scam-what-happens-when-you-reply-10002928/
Seriously though, of all the websites I researched, the #1 warning was to refrain from responding to these scams, namely because these emails don’t come from pranksters…they come from criminals. This link is a very informative and easy-to-read website that describes what can happen when you respond to a scam email, or even open one to read it: http://www.brianmoreau.com/articles/All_about_email_spam_scams.php.
Although I would definitely be on the side of cautioning you against responding to the scammer, I enjoyed your excellent humor and did not find this exercise a waste of time at all. Quite the opposite. I laughed. And I learned. It was a win-win, thanks to you!
6:24 am
Ok, I was just busting up with laughter. I loved your response letter Hyatt. It was hilarious!
5:34 pm
Hyatt,too bad you can’t see the tears from laughing SO hard ( probably not just from me). Laughter is really good medicine for the soul. Thank you for that this afternoon. I cannot think of anything to add or change. Why not send it? :)
6:26 am
Absolutely hilarious! What talent you have in so many domains, Hyatt!
7:08 am
Hyatt, as usual, you have done the absolutely perfect thing writing this hilarious, perfectly executed, wonderfully stated letter in response with all the undercurrent of you standing there saying to this guy, “Really???” You are sooooooooooooooooo talented! Loved loved loved the 4 paintings you shared from Nigeria! I am always in awe at your amazing amazing work! Love love Lisa Hoyt
10:44 am
You have three options Hyatt: a) Send it. After the sixth paragraph he´ll be bored to death ( deceasedead ) b) Send me his address. For 287 millions I´m ready to change my name to Moore. c) The best advice you got: Delete !