Another from Nigeria

Do you get letters from Nigeria about every day I like do? They’re not always from Nigeria; other places are catching on to the supposed goldmine of naivete and assumed greed of us Americans. Personally, I find it all pretty amusing. Though I’ve never answered one (and never would) I’m tempted to respond in fun. The following is just that. (Last time I did one of these, a few of you took me seriously. Please don’t.)

Here’s the e-mail that came this morning, with my (not) answer following:

__________

THE PRESIDENCY FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA
COMMITTEE ON CONTRACT PAYMENT REVIEW PANEL
PRESIDENTIAL COMPLEX BUILDING
ASO-ROCK, ABUJA
Our Ref: FGN/PRE/VP/XNX/2012

SUBJECT: LETTER OF APOLOGY FROM
DEMOCRATIC GOVERNMENT OF NIGERIA.

ATTN: BENEFICIARY:
PAYMENT ORDER!!!

I WAS SURPRISED THAT YOU HAVE NOT RECEIVED YOUR FUND UP TILL TODAY.I WISH TO INFORM YOU THAT YOUR FUND WILL BE TRANSFER TODAY INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT WITHIN 72 HOURS.

I AM THE PRESIDENT OF FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA, I BELIEVE YOUR PAYMENT WILL BE CONCLUDED TODAY IMMEDIATELY I HEAR FROM YOU AND YOU ARE ADVISE TO RECONFIRM YOUR DETAILS AND TELEPHONE NUMBER IMMEDIATELY.

BASED ON MY INVESTIGATION I NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE WASTED A LOT OF MONEY IN REGARDS TO THIS TRANSFER. I AM ADVISING YOU TO STOP ANY COMMUNICATION WITH ANY PERSON UNTIL YOU RECEIVE THIS FUND FROM MY OFFICE TODAY.

TO AVOID WRONG TRANSFER,RE-CONFIRM YOUR BANKING INFORMATION.THIS OFFICE IS GIVEN YOU 100% GUARANTEE THAT YOU WILL RECEIVE YOUR FUND WITHIN 72 HOURS AS SOON AS YOU COMPLY WITH THE INSTRUCTIONS GIVEN TO YOU.

CONGRATULATION IN ADVANCE ONCE MORE.REMEMBER THIS TRANSFER IS CONFIDENTIAL, DUE TO A LOT OF IMPERSONATORS, I WANT US TO USE A CODE WHICH IS WHAT IS THE CODE AND ANSWER IS IN GOD WE TRUST. YOU ARE HOWEVER STRONGLY ADVICE IN YOUR OWN INTEREST TO STOP ANY COMMUNICATION WITH ANY OFFICE IF YOU NEED MY POWER TO HAVE YOUR FUND REMITTED TO YOU AS STATED ABOVE.

NOTE:YOU ARE ALSO ADVISE TO SEND TO US ALL INFORMATION OF ANY PERSON YOU HAVE SENT MONEY SO THAT WE CAN RECOVER THE MONEY AND SEND IT BACK TO YOU.

REGARDS
DR.GOODLUCK EBELE JONATHAN
PRESIDENT FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

__________

Dear Mr. President,

I must say I am very gratified to hear from you. A personal apology coming from no less than the president of your esteemed country, I must say I’m humbled. Or would be, if I had not been so anxious for so long about the funds in question. I am, of course, referencing your Number FGN/PRE/VP/XNX/2012. (I do hope we are on the same page with this as the one I thought we would be referencing would end with 2013, making it FGN/PRE/VP/XNX/2013, though this matter has been hanging out for so long it could be FGN/PRE/VP/XNX/2011 or even FGN/PRE/VP/XNX/2010.)

And, yes, you’re right, I do feel I’ve lost (your word was “wasted”) a lot of money in the pursuit of this transfer. Happily I’ve not lost sleep over it, as it’s mostly in my dreams that the amount of money is real at all. But my larger curiosity, if you don’t mind my inquiring, is how you would know about my financial transactions and possible communications with other parties on the matter. Are you in correspondence with one Mr. Snowden?

I must say I do feel honored that you, the president of a large state, would take such interest in little me, as potentially substantial as my funds may be. Certainly it’s me that should be named “Goodluck,” not just you.

I will now carefully follow your instructions, so that you will be able to retrieve all monies I have wasted. Actually, after careful re-readings, I find no instructions. That is, except to say IN GOD WE TRUST, to not communicate with anyone else (due to “impersonators”) and, likely most importantly, to send information about persons I’ve sent money to.

Here, then, is at least that list (though I’m afraid, not comprehensive):

AT&T
Cox Communications
Southern California Gas
VISA
MasterCard
The Mortgage Company
San Diego Gas and Electric
HealthNet
LA Times
NetFlix
Jazzercize
Local Art Supply
Others

I must say once again that I am extremely grateful and humbled that the president of a country across the world would take time and concern to look into these matters of where I have been spending (wasting) money and willing to pursue the retrieval of these monies into my account. Please, I do hope you receive this in a timely manner so that the promised transfer within 72 hours will suffer no further delays.

And do let me know when I can ever return the favor. Who knows when Nigeria may need all of my earthly funds?

(Maybe now, you say?)

Thank you in advance for your congratulations in advance, for advancing these funds, and that in advance of all the impersonators who are certainly also advancing. 

Yours most(ly) sincerely, and forever in your debt,

Ref: FGN/PRE/VP/XNX/2012